2013: The Depression Era

2013-yearend-reviewI don’t really see the number 13 as ominous. Looking at how my year went, though, I know that the person who most let me down was myself (BTW, I speak in the past tense, given that we have only three days to go before 2013 expires). Granted that many factors contributed to the negative stuff, it was in how I reacted to them that mattered. I started out the year all positive and it’s ending in a not-so-good fashion, all thanks to myself.

To be honest, 2012 seemed all so surreal that it was only in 2013 that things really started to sink in emotionally. I thought I was coping very well with the loss of both my parents and the financial burdens brought by the sad events. But as I learned from experts, one does need to go through the Stages of Grief to be able to move on. They don’t necessarily all happen and they don’t normally happen in an expected logical order, not in the way we want them to.

The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

stages-of-grief

To be more brutally honest, I know I went through the Anger (directed at myself, delving on the what-ifs and why-didn’t-Is even when I knew I already did all I could) and the Depression. Hardly a day went by that I wasn’t reminded of at least any one of my parents. Little things could make me tear up in an instant, especially if they were related to family and relationships. Sad things on TV easily made me cry (although happy things had the same effect on me as well).

I had always been easily moved before but I could keep a straight face and you’d never know. However, for some reason, it became very hard to control the emotions–someone would simply be telling a story or I would be listening to music and I would be wiping my eyes immediately. It was overwhelming and embarrassing at times.

Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. To be pegged as iyakin or one who cried easily was just okay, but then I let other insecurities get the better of me. Insecurity and grief put together is a totally bad combo that can strain relationships. Most people never noticed this about me, but the people I most often interacted with certainly felt the negative vibes from me. Of course, not everyone understood this; they just thought I was being unreasonably difficult, and I was.

I became a self-pitying fool who unwittingly ostracized herself from others, blamed them for it, and felt quite disliked, which was most probably what truly happened after I acted the way I did. I felt so sensitive to somebody’s comments/criticisms, too, that I started dreading going to a weekly get-together, because at the time, that person unintentionally made me feel so much like a bad person and I started questioning myself whether I really deserved to be there still. My energy was on an all-time low.

It’s so hard to explain to you why I felt the way I did without going into more details. The bottom line is, though, I became so much like the opposite of what I was in 2012. I now dub 2013 as my new Officially Worst Year because it was the year I hated myself the most. Mind you, there were a lot of positive things happening in 2013, except when it came to the negatives, the gravity was so strong, pulling down much of my self-love and -confidence.

original-selfThe good thing was I still had the capacity to self-reflect and realize what a pain I had been, and that the worst part was the wounds were self-inflicted. Little by little, I am going back to the Old but Better Me. I know it is working and I know those around me have noticed the changes. I will plant better seeds in my heart and cultivate until I find my Original Self.

So here’s hoping I tell you a happier story next year. I am hoping you’ll have better stories to tell as well 🙂

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This has been the most personal and revealing post about myself, but I felt I needed this. Quite therapeutic, actually. Would you like to share how your year has been, too? Or do you have any reactions/suggestions? Let’s talk. Just write down on the space provided for comments below and let the words flow.

2012 in Retrospect and What I Learned from It

Well, it’s been almost a month after the new year started.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Greeting you guys a prosperous 2013 had not left my mind from Day 1. It was just that aside from that, I didn’t know what exactly to say. I didn’t want to delve on how lonely it was to spend the holidays without my parents. Lonely was not the way to go if I wanted to be on a rearing-for-a-much-better-year mode. And I’m still shy talking about finally changing my Facebook relationship status from single to you-know-what (see? I can’t even say it without blushing even with no one looking). This decision sat waiting for a long time for reasons I need not divulge, but we’re actually already on our way near our first year as a couple. I am just happy he was there to brighten up my holidays and steer me away from sad thoughts.

The year 2012, in retrospect and on a more personal basis, was The Best and Worst Year, so far, although I am not exactly waiting for anything much worse than The Worst. Why The Worst, I need not clarify. It’s so crystal clear.

Why The Best? Let’s focus on that.

This is an image from WordPress

2012 taught me the value of contentment because as one quote shared and re-shared on Facebook said, you will never know the real value of money until you run out of it, or something like that, only better worded. I have always known that, but 2012 really made sure I understood completely.

2012 taught me humility. I had to be humble enough to realize I needed help, to ask for it, to accept it even when I didn’t ask.

2012 told me that sometimes, you have to let go of pride. It is especially relevant if doing so will serve a higher purpose.

2012 made me kinder to people and to myself. I have become more understanding of others’ shortcomings as well as mine. I have become more accepting that it has brought me people and things that I am now thankful for.

2012 has made me accept tribulations as challenges worth facing. To emerge triumphant means learning to be more courageous and mature. Nothing teaches like experience.

This is not to say I have become perfect. Nobody becomes perfect in a year. In fact, nobody becomes perfect EVER. What I’ve learned, I still re-learn everyday. I still always remind myself 2012’s teaching especially when I am getting lost. When we get lost, isn’t it best to find our way back to where we started?

2012 started a New MeIt was not the end of the world. So 2013,

come on and bring it on!!!