“PAGPAPATAWAD” (FORGIVENESS)

Since I posted my entry for a local writing competition (poems category) more than two years ago, “Tula ng Puso: Pananampalataya, Pag-ibig, Pag-asa” (Poems of the Heart: Faith, Love, Hope) has been one of my most-read posts. I know it has nothing to do with any writing talent I have. They’re most probably just either Googling for samples to get writing ideas, or looking for love poems for Valentine’s.

What most people don’t know is that two of those poems were very personal. Non-Filipinos didn’t even understand, for sure. The most personal was the third and this month, especially today, it holds a very special meaning in my heart. Every time March comes, I grieve twice.

It’s not the best poem out there, but it is my most heart-felt. I wasn’t just writing to win a contest (winning at that point seemed like wishful-thinking). I was trying to convey my grief and ask forgiveness, maybe even for understanding.

This is it below, with translations. I hope nothing is lost in translation (I tried my best, but don’t consider it the official English version).

PAGPAPATAWAD (FORGIVENESS)

 

Hindi ko alam.

(I do not know.)

 

Paano nga ba?

(Please tell me, how?)

paano magpatawad?

(how to forgive?)

paano magpatawad sa sarili

(how to forgive oneself)

sa pagkabigo bilang isang ina?

(for failing as a mother?)

 

Paano mawawaglit ang sakit na narito

(How can I lose this pain)

kung sa bawa’t araw, ang bawa’t araw

(if each and every day)

ay naglalaman ng iyong alaala, mahal ko?

(has memories of you, my love?)

kung ang bawa’t tibok ng puso ko

(if every beat of my heart)

ay nagsasabing sa iyo’y tuluyang naglaho?

(reminds that yours beat no more?)

 

Paano? (How?)

kung sa bawa’t “Kumusta?” ay “Mabuti” ang tugon ko

(if for each How-are-you, I say “I’m fine”)

gayong ang bawa’t tugon ay may halong kirot?

(yet each reply carries the pain with it?)

Sinungaling…

(Liar…)

 

Paano?

(How?)

 

…Siguro, may mga bagay na sadyang di natin masasagot.

(…Perhaps, there really are questions that will remain unanswered.)

 

Hindi ko alam.

(I do not know.)

Hindi lamang sa ngayon.

(Not for now)

 

Darating din ang araw na masasagot ko kung paano.

(Time will come that I will finally learn “How?”)

 

Umaasa pa rin ako.

(Yet I keep hoping.)

Isang araw ay babalik ka sa piling ko.

(Someday, you’ll come back to me.)

Hindi man ngayon. Maghihintay ako.

(Perhaps not for now. But I patiently wait.)

 

Hanggang mayakap kita, mahalikan kita, at masabing

(Until I can hold you in my arms, give you kisses, and say)

 

“Pinapatawad ko na ako.”

(“I now forgive Me.”)

 

Karapatang-Ari © J.Gi Federizo

Sinulat: Nobyembre 10, 2016

Oh, My 2016! (Not My) Interview with Myself #AskWednesday #ThrowbackTwenty16

It’s near the end of January and Chinese New Year’s really near. Thought it’s time to post my 2016 review that I had been intending to do.

However, I did not want to do it the traditional way. And because it’s Wednesday, I thought why not an interview? Not just an interview, but an imagined one with myself. Not just an imagined one, mind you! I asked a few peeps last night (your Wednesday morning, I suppose) to ask me any questions regarding my 2016. Some of them actually gave it much thought. A few silly questions here and there, but we all need silly from time to time.

So, here it…

(Not My) Interview with Myself

Was 2016 good for you?

Yes and no. It’s funny that most of the world unofficially officially declared 2016 as a bad year, The Worst Year, even The Worst Year Ever in History (well, maybe modern history). I understand. 2016 was mean to me and my family and the world in general.

I am rather amazed, though, that I’m not hating on 2016 all that much, regardless of the fact that the negatives certainly outweighed the positives. Must be because I mindfully kept trying to be positive. No more letting depression in my life especially now that I have people counting on me. Maybe that should be my annual goal.

Who were your inspirations in 2016?

MY FAMILY. Family is never cliche, and I know a lot of people would give the same answer because that is the truth. Difficulties and issues aside, family is most precious to me. My husband, our kids, my sister…

Were your finances okay/great?

On the contrary, my dear Watson. Sadly.

What improvements did you do to yourself?

Work-wise, I added a few online-related skills, thanks to our company. On a more personal note,…

• I read a little more.
• I blogged more and wrote a little more, though most writing I did was for work. You can check out my monthly recaps, just search for #MonthlyRecap.
• I opened up more by sharing more personal stuff. Hey, I even made public my Blogspot, although that’s not really making me famous either, LOL!.
• My bad temper lessened. Change was not easily noticed, but I promise you, it’s there. You can’t really rush these things.

Tell us anything totally new/surprising that you did last year.

• Became a contributor to My Trending Stories. I’m supposed to say “regular contributor” but I’ve stopped. Just trying to put my mojo back on.
• Joined a poetry-writing contest. Didn’t win, but at least, I got in.
• Joined the Cherished Blog Fest for the first time.
• Raised my voice at half of a fourth-grade class and told them to keep their act together…in front of their mothers! I’m not ashamed. I needed what needed to be done and, by George, it got done! One day, I’ll tell you this little story.

Did you learn something new about yourself? What?

Change is always constant, but I’m probably basically same old-same old. I did learn something quite trivial. I have a terrible sense of direction. That’s not really what I learned as I’ve known that for years. I did learn I’m not just one of a few, rather, there are many of us.

The struggle is real! We become lost to the point of looking stupid. What bothers me, though, is finding out it may not have been always like that, but the brain could have suffered some kind of damage (big or small) that was enough for it to not function the way it’s supposed to. I told you, I can really relate with the woman on that BuzzFeed video.

Best advice you received last year?

“Be patient with the kids.” I have to admit, I still need to keep heeding that advice.

Who would you like to thank (basing on 2016)?

I always thanked people. I really appreciated those who helped me in some way, be it in material ways or just through giving me moral and spiritual support. There were some who gave help without batting an eyelash and demanding for more explanations. There were even those with whom I just happened to tell my problems and they surprised me by volunteering to help. And some, they weren’t able to help in the material sense, but they lent their ears to listen and offered great advice and prayers.

They’re very good people, in my book. They did not willfully ignore me or give me the runaround or criticize me even (a few did, so thankfully, I now know how they are).

What was the biggest fear that held you back in 2016?

Fear to offend certain people so they would not get mad at me and we could keep that little amount of peace among us. In my efforts to avoid conflict, I let them force certain “rules” on me that they actually violated themselves from time to time — how selfish was that? I only did that to keep the peace even though it seemed I was becoming a pushover.

Nevertheless, as I expected based on past history, I may not move an inch from a corner and they would still find something to complain about and try to enforce more rules on me. Worse, they included others in the issue that they put those others’ health, well-being and own relationships at risk. I would not stand for that. So I let them know that I could be civil to them but would not be a pushover.

Of course, I know they are mad right now. Honestly, it’s them creating their own ghosts and problems. I’m just trying to deal with them as civilly and peacefully as I can.

What was the biggest challenge you overcame last year?

Losing my second baby. I really wouldn’t call it “overcoming”. It was something that happened and did not leave me any choice. I still think about her almost everyday. I don’t even care that I’ve got a big tummy now because it reminds me of her. I’m not even sure I’m willing to overcome this. The real challenge is to not be sad looking at babies.

How many Koreanovelas (Korean dramas/TV shows) did you watch?

I’m not exactly a fan of Koreanovelas in general, but I do watch from time to time. Last year, I watched two with my closest roommate (I live in a boarding house on weekdays as I go to work). Watched Healer and Oh, My Ghost. I’m currently kind of following The Queen of the Office (a.k.a. Goddess of the Workplace), Korea’s version of an original Japanese show.

Most embarrassing moment in 2016?

I was thinking about getting ignored, criticized and the runarounds, but no, those were humbling experiences. I can’t think of any answer at the moment, truthfully.

What new life lessons did you learn from 2016?

I tried to rack my brains out, but to be honest, I don’t think I learned anything new and substantial. If anything, the year only emphasized to me what I already knew, be they good or bad. Okay, maybe because of this, I did learn something: to never be complacent about things. 2016 was my eager reminder.

Some reminders:

• Keep positive.
• Prioritize family.
• Don’t be sensitive–deal with it gracefully.
• Always say thank you to kind people and be sincere about it.
• Say sorry and be sincere as well.
• Keep calm, but don’t be a pushover.
• Recognize the wolves in sheep’s clothing and never forget they are around.
• There will always be people who will put you down either face-to-face and mostly behind your back, so don’t mind them much. It’s their time they’re wasting.

What makes you thankful for 2016?

Just the fact that we are still alive and kicking.

 

That’s it, my 2016. So, how was yours? 🙂

December 2016 RECAP #MonthlyRecap

It’s the new year! Time to start over. And while my new year’s resolutions list hasn’t been made yet, one of those resolutions would be to blog more (which is not necessarily synonymous to writing more, although that’s a resolution, too).

I did find ways to blog last month, but my blogging was somewhat erratic, mainly because I “chilled”. I still plan to chill, but be more productive, anyway. Plus, I’ve got other plans to take care of.

So here’s a recap of my December 2016:

Blog-wise:

(1) Hash potatoes!!!

#MondayMemoirs – (see My Decade-Old Grown-up Christmas List)

#MondayReviews (none)

#TuesdayTunes (see Awesomely Techno-weird Musical Instruments Part 1) – I was supposed to post the second part last December 28, but I didn’t get to finish it. Will post soon.)

#AskWednesday (none)

#WhatsupWednesday (see Going Disney)

#ThursdayTips (see How to Properly Use Sitelink Extensions)

#FeatureFriday (none)

#FreakyFriday (none) – It was supposed to be only for the whole month of November, anyway. I did promise true horror/ghost stories. I have not forgotten.

Saturdays and Sundays, or any day, could be about anything. I will post anything when I feel like it, like So… (a quick Christmas greeting), The Legend of the Fifth Turtle (a repost), Hippie’s Guide to the Multiverse (reblog of an interesting post of a young blogger I know…I like featuring young writers/bloggers to encourage them more).

My three-in-one poetry post Tula ng Puso: Pananampalataya, Pag-ibig, Pag-asa (Poems of the Heart: Faith, Love, Hope) last November made the cut. My poems (well, the link to them) are now featured in the Saranggola Blog Awards site. I just found out the winners a few minutes ago. Didn’t win, sadly, but it’s still okay. There will be a next time. I’ll try not to procrastinate again.

(3) My Trending Stories. Nothing to share for now.

(4) A to Z Challenge. I want to join again this year so I am already thinking of a theme. *crosses fingers*

Social Media Reach-out:

Again, I am very thankful to new followers. They keep on coming, even if they aren’t a lot. I certainly hope they’ll stay. Anyway, as I am now making it my tradition, let me share more: people who follow me and/or whom I follow, and/or whom I actually know. Do visit them–you might have to jump over to other blogging platforms like Blogger, though.

If I haven’t mentioned you yet, nothing personal, okay? Will get to you. I am adding really new ones, too. It’s to hit two birds with one stone as I won’t have to go looking for links to their blogs/sites again. Definitely, I will first try to see if they are legit and active blogs. My call, guys.

Here are my awesome online friends and would-be friends, in alphabetical order:

 Ally,         Anne-Marie,         Debbie,         Damyanti,         Eyoalha,        

Jacob,      Justine,                  Lori,               Roo,                    Sanch   

More bloggers to link to in the coming months, for sure. “Old” ones, new ones.

Fiction/Story- and Poetry-writing:

We’ll see what happens.

Literature:

I shared a poll last time, unfortunately, I think only one person voted. Kindly take the poll, pretty pleaaaasee…..? Not sure which to pick. Wanna cast your vote for me?

Personal:

Christmas was good! The family celebrated it with the husband’s clan. Well, their clan, the husband’s and the kids’. A few dramas, but it was good. Several reasons why I chose to celebrate there, which I won’t delve into. I don’t see any reason for now not to do that again next year. Oh, and I won a TV from the Office party raffle! That was perfect since our old one has not been working for a long while. We were to have it fixed, then bam! Won the TV 😉

New Year’s Eve was good, too. Our little family was complete. The kids were happy, the husband was happy, I was happy. Best New Year’s I’ve had in years. There were only a few stuff on the table: spaghetti, chicken drumsticks, chocolate cake, and sliced bread. The spag and the drumsticks were a hit with some visitors, so it was totally great. Neighbors shared sopas (Filipino noodle soup), pansit (dried cooked noodles), “Graham” or “ref” cake (Google it, he he), and gelatin, which we all ate the following day (refrigerators are heaven-sent!).

We really wish to have a much better year this year.

The family hasn’t had a chance to eat out so we’ll probably do that one of these days. It’s gonna be a four-in-one celebration: Christmas, New Year, our second wedding anniversary (today, January 5), and my husband’s birthday (January 23). Hitting four birds with one stone, right? I’m just waiting for our family movie date to push through then we’ll do that on the same day.

Meanwhile,…Save for the new one, we’re done with all seasons of the  The Walking Dead. I admit to checking out IMDb every now and then. It does not really tell much, anyway, although I do find out a few things prior to watching episodes. I’m more interested in how the whole story is developed so a few spoilers do not really “spoil” me. I have read some reviews and reactions about Season 7, too, so at least, I am already warned especially about Episode 1. I told the kids Glenn dies in Episode 1–OOPS! SPOILER!!!

Well, I wanted to prepare them for what’s to come because apparently, fans were fuming over the violence and of Glenn dying (so what was Abraham, chopped liver?…OOPS! SPOILER AGAIN!!!). I understand about the latter, but the first complaint? It’s been there since the very first episodes. If you couldn’t handle it, you had the choice to turn your head away, change the channel, or turn the TV off entirely.

I’ve got more to talk about, but I realize this is becoming more of a feature on TWD, so I’ll save those for some other time.

Now that we’re temporarily done with TWD, can you recommend any good series? I’m continuing with CSI: Las Vegas, but my husband isn’t into it and it’s got too many sexy scenes (many unexpected) to skip over for the sake of the kids. So I’m going solo with this, as always. (Gosh, imagine once I start with Game of Thrones!)

 

….Alright, now that we’re up to speed, time to go writing more! Toodles!!! 😉

Tula ng Puso: Pananampalataya, Pag-ibig, Pag-asa

ANG MANLALAKBAY

 

Sa pagsibol ng bukang-liwayway,

naging masigasig Ang Manlalakbay

tumahak, gumuhit ng kanyang landas

sa mundong pilit na tinutuklas.

Daang bundok ang siyang inakyat

tinawid, malalawak at malalim na dagat

unos, sakuna, sakit ay bumadya

upang ilihis sa kanyang tadhana.

 

Maraming beses mang ibinuwal

ang kanyang katawa’t isipang pagal,

nagpatuloy sa landasing binabagtas

ang pusong magiting na di kumupas.

Ang Manlalakbay, pilit sumulong

bigat ng mundo’y kanyang sinuong

di nagpagapi sa bawa’t panganib

iwinaksi ang anumang bumalakid.

 

Sadyang may puso’t tapang na taglay

ang di-matinag na manlalakbay

sa bawa’t pagkatalo, ito ay bumangon

inalay ang buhay sa bawa’t hamon.

Kaya’t sa pagsapit ng dapit-hapon,

lugod na humarap sa Panginoon

sa diyos na Siya ring lubos umalalay

umakay, humawak sa kanyang kamay.

 

“Ninais ko ang buhay na masaya

at sa Iyo, ako‘y sumampalataya

nguni’t mga daan ay naging matinik

baku-bako at sala-salabit.

Gayunpaman, aking napagtanto,

lahat ng pagsubok ay ginto

na biyaya sa dulo ng daan

pagka’t Ikaw ay aking matatagpuan.

 

Ano ba ang tunay na kaligayahan?

ang mabuhay nang may kabuluhan

ang humarap nang walang takot

sa mundong puno ng galit at sigalot.

Ang umibig sa kapwa nang tunay

umakay sa kanilang mga napilay

ng iba at sarili nilang pagdaranas

tungo sa kaligayahang wagas.

 

Ngayong ako’y naririto na,

nawa’y patnubayan Mo po sila

mithiin ng puso, akin nang nakamit

humimlay, sa wakas, sa Iyong dibdib.”

Lumuhod, lumuha nang may galak

Ang Manlalakbay sa Kanyang hapag:

“O, Diyos na makapangyarihan sa lahat,

ako’y lubos na nagpapasalamat!”

MANHID

 

Di-mawari ng puso ang kanyang kawalan

ng damdaming sa hinuha’y hiningi ng pagkakataon,

hinihingi ng panahon.

 

Ano ang pagkakamali? ang nararapat? ang ninanais?

 

Pinilit kong dinggin ang sigaw ng kunsensya

at ako’y nagulat sa aking nakita.

 

Hindi pala.

 

Ang manhid ay may damdamin din pala,

nakatago sa ulap ng mga alinlangan

at ulan ng suliranin.

 

At nalaman kong sa kawalan ng damdamin,

tumitibok pa rin ang kanyang puso.

 

PAGPAPATAWAD

 

Hindi ko alam.

 

Paano nga ba?

paano magpatawad?

paano magpatawad sa sarili

sa pagkabigo bilang isang ina?

 

Paano mawawaglit ang sakit na narito

kung sa bawa’t araw, ang bawa’t araw

ay naglalaman ng iyong alaala, mahal ko?

kung ang bawa’t tibok ng puso ko

ay nagsasabing sa iyo’y tuluyang naglaho?

 

Paano?

kung sa bawa’t “Kumusta?” ay “Mabuti” ang tugon ko

gayong ang bawa’t tugon ay may halong kirot?

Sinungaling…

 

Paano?

 

…Siguro, may mga bagay na sadyang di natin masasagot.

 

Hindi ko alam.

Hindi lamang sa ngayon.

 

Darating din ang araw na masasagot ko kung paano.

 

Umaasa pa rin ako.

Isang araw ay babalik ka sa piling ko.

Hindi man ngayon. Maghihintay ako.

 

Hanggang mayakap kita, mahalikan kita, at masabing

“Pinapatawad ko na ako.”

 

**********************************************

Sanay ay nagustuhan ninyo.  Ang lahat ay nanggaling sa puso ko.

Ang mga tulang ito ay nagsisilbing lahok sa Saranggola Blog Awards 8. Sasali rin sana ako sa Maikling Kuwento pero kulang na ang oras ko.

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