Hey, World, Guess We Hate 2020 #NanoPoblano2020 #My2020

Yes. It’s me. One year after.

My lone post back in February aside, the last time I posted was in November….LAST YEAR.  So, yes, I missed greeting you a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, even a Happy Valentine’s, and all those other greetings. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. But I’m back. Hopefully, for much longer. I know I always say that, but please know that I do mean it every time.

I was supposed to start posting last November 1, but November did not start right. A super typhoon hit the country hard. Then it was followed by several more typhoons. The last one just left a few days ago. They left parts of the country in shambles, so to speak. These are sad, sad days for the Philippines. Correction: It’s been a sad, sad year for us and most parts of the world. It was not only November that did not start right but Year 2020.

In all honesty, I wasn’t doing well long before 2020. There were personal struggles, most of which, I kept to myself. I’m used to dealing with personal struggles so I am able to handle things most times. Still, self-doubt is always something that can eat away your courage. 

Things got worse. My sister struggled with health problems for years. Every year, she’d be hospitalized. Last year, it started again around October. The worse part was she had to start going through dialysis. My brother-in-law and I kept consulting people and trying to decide the best thing to do. It seemed there was no other way but to start dialysis. And this naturally became another worry for me. It is really a longer story, but I don’t know if there is a need to say everything.

At the airport back in January 2015, the day after my wedding. My Ate was about to go back to Surigao. She went home to Laguna to see me get married. Her presence was very much needed — our parents had passed almost three years prior. She was my only family then. I wanted her here. Looking back now, I realize that was the last time that we were happy together. Her health got worse in the following months.

The good news is I was able to visit her in Surigao last February (went back home a few days after, which was already in March). The bad news is…she left us in May. She left me to join my parents. My family left ME. I am now orphaned by my whole family…So, I’m sorry, 2020, if I don’t like you. 

Alright. Year 2020 hasn’t been all bad. I did not lose my job, for one. I get to work from home, spend time with my new family, and be a teacher-mom. It’s actually hard work, believe me.

Well, I guess I should live through 2020 and the next year doing what I always do: I’ll wing it. As for you, I won’t ask how you’ve been (unless you want to volunteer information). I am pretty sure it hasn’t been that good to you either. I am also pretty sure you’ll do what I do.

Let’s wing it!

Finding Grace in a Grilled Ham & Cheese

I had been waiting since last week to reblog this and I think this is the right time. We all can relate to this. I personally feel that it is the primary caregivers in the family (like I was) and those who can’t go home to be with their ailing loved ones (like my sister was) who feel the regrets the most.

This was what I had to say, though:

“In 2012, I tried to do the best I could for both my ailing parents. Still, I ask to this day if I really did. Maybe it’s really that Angry stage of the grief. There is no deadline or proper schedule for each stage of grief–it could be for months or a year, it could even take a lifetime. It is important that we do acknowledge the anger and learn to forgive the ‘sinner(s)’ (either yourself or others) little by little…”

If you are at that stage right now, don’t be too hard especially on yourself. We must always remember that we are not God and that there are things that our mortal powers cannot any more handle.

 

Thank you to Lori Greer for this.

Lori Greer in Portland

“But when from a long distant past, nothing subsists, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, still, alone, more fragile, but with more vitality, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, the smell and taste of things remained poised a long time, like souls, ready to remind us, waiting and hoping for their moment, amid the ruins of all the rest; and bear unfaltering , in the tiny and almost impalpable drop of their essence, the vast structure of recollection.”   excerpt from Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust.

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Moms, we are with you…

It’s also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, did you know? I didn’t, until I stumbled upon Ashley Anderson‘s article last Friday.  Now you know what that means to me, so I won’t delve much into it. I do want to express my deep sorrow through her words.

Our experiences were different, but we were on the same boat. And now, we’re learning to swim, maybe in a different way, too, but we’re both surviving in our own ways. The way a lot of mothers who were on the same boat as well are coping with life.

To our fellow moms, I only have to say that we must strive to enjoy life every day, enjoy even the tiniest bit of things. And never, ever lose hope…

Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Awareness Month

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. For those of you who know me, it’s something that is near and  dear to my heart. Not everyone is comfortable with talking about their journey and loss, but I’ve found that with speaking out about pregnancy loss can help with healing, open up conversation and help connect people who have been affected by loss. 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy and infant loss. It’s time we talk about it.

pregnancy-awareness-monthHere is my story:

My husband and I decided quite early on that we wanted children. It was something that was never really discussed seriously, just something that was important to both of us. We decided in early 2012 that we would start trying (a few months before our wedding) because things like that never happen right away. Well, it did. I conceived the first time in early February of that year…

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If you need someone to talk to privately, even just to listen, feel free to email me at j.gi.federizo@gmail.com.

I do advise that you first turn to your loved ones because in such trying times, they must be your first line of support. Grief and sorrow can be lessened when you have a strong support system. If it is a depression that is way beyond the powers of your loved ones, consider getting professional help. It is never wrong to ask for help.