Memory Lane | The End Justifies the Journey

I was never popular in high school. If I ever was, that could be because I was considered weird, which never offended me. I welcomed being voted as Weirdest Girl in Class two years in a row. For me, that meant I was not one to conform just to be called cool. Besides, when you’re a writer, people just tag you as weird. Hollywood fed us that idea.

Most probably, though, if I ever was popular, it was because I was the Hunchback of Rural High. I was the short girl looking like Quasimodo.

I didn’t use to be like that. I did not have a humped back prior to high school. I was a shy kid in grade school who only started coming out of her shell in fourth grade. By sixth grade, I was jumping from tables, singing the oldie La Bamba shamelessly…Then a teacher sent me back into my shell, accusing me in front of the other kids because she supposedly didn’t like something I said about her favorite student.

I was dumbfounded and confused. I did not even understand what she meant until days later! Worse was, she thought wrong as I was not referring to him. Unfortunately, my self-esteem already suffered because of it. Why a teacher should even get offended by a student practicing the right to choose who to like or not is beyond me. By the time I reached high school, I was starting to develop the humped back.

Well, that was my backstory, no pun intended. High school started and soon, boys from my batch would sing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) theme song whenever I passed by. But I never hid or ran away; I just passed by poker-faced. I knew they’d get tired of it one day. Thankfully, the bullying didn’t go further than that. But of course, I resented what they did; I had feelings, too. Some years ago, an old teacher reminded me of the time I had the guts to tell him to tell those boys, whom he was friends with, to get off my back (again, no pun intended).

The funny thing was, to be honest, I resented them because I thought they were referring to the “mutant” part, which, for me, translated to “uber-ugly girl”. It was months after that I realized they didn’t exactly mean it that way. They meant something else. Surprisingly, that lifted my self-esteem a bit. I was glad they were referring to something else that I could do something about.

So, I did do something about it. I started trying to fix my Quasimodo posture. If you think it was easy, it wasn’t.

It took a lot of effort and self-awareness to prevent the slumping whenever I walked. I could actually feel the physical pressure every time I tried to keep my back straight. If you were near me enough, you’d probably hear me groaning a bit. It worked, though. I may not walk straight as a model, but I got my intended result. I didn’t know the reason for the humped back until Home Economics in the fourth year: a book explained that slumping was a sign of insecurity. I thought, Well, that figures.

The teasing stopped. A boy in senior year attempted to revive it by singing the TMNT song as I walked nearer. It was the classic case of someone bullying somebody else to compensate for his own low self-esteem. Instead of feeling hurt or getting mad, I was amused and tempted to say, “What, you’re still not over that?“ He never tried again.

My whole high school life was like everyone else’s. I had to struggle with different issues (body changes, grades, crushes, friendships, lack of confidence). However, if there’s one thing that made me different, it was this early experience. It hurt emotionally and physically, but that was part of what made me, me.

I don’t resent those boys anymore. I forgave them a long time ago. I’m thankful they somehow taught me to stand up straight. Take it figuratively, take it literally, it’s up to you. Besides, I kind of liked the ninja turtles 😊

********************************************************************

Usually, I don’t follow the Philippine time when I post stuff. But I wanted this posted already before I forget or lose interest again. While it’s still Sunday in most readers’ part of the world, it’s already Monday here, so this counts as a #MondayMemoirs post.

I’ve already mentioned about my turtle “background” before, but this is a bit more revealing and personal. I wrote about it because our high school reunion is coming and I’ve been asked to write my HS experience for our unique souvenir programme. I was able to submit three write-ups (Rattling Cages and two trivia pieces). Unfortunately, this one did not meet the deadline. I was supposed to share this after the reunion, but since it’s not going to be part of the programme anyway, I went ahead and shared it. (By the way, my school was the U.P. Rural High School, ergo, the use of the “Rural” word.)

I do have a DISCLAIMER: I don’t, in anyway, hate my old school. This is not to speak ill of it. I shared this because (1) my growth was important to me, and (2) to show that things like this happen anywhere. Ultimately, it is up to us to choose which life lessons we’re going to keep and how we will use them to our advantage.

Any comments or thoughts? I won’t mind. Let me know below! Or maybe share your own experiences? 😉

Rattle cages, we did

“You know, we think that we all grow out of it? That’s a lie. Some of us will always be rattling cages.”

– from Never Been Kissed

The first time I heard it, this particular quote stuck like gum to my hair. Truth is, I’ve never really bothered to pull the gum out. Perhaps, simply because it “stings” of reality. Not that it hurts. It just reminds me of much simpler, less tumultuous times called “high school”.

People say that adolescence is the period of much confusion. I say adolescence is the start of much confusion, and you can be sure of more to come. You become wiser through the years, assuming that you are capable of such a thing. But the demands of the modern world and dictates of old beliefs are always there to test you. Sometimes, you just want to shout, “STOP THIS WORLD! I WANNA GET OFF!” But sorry, it just isn’t going to happen. Not in this lifetime.

So once in a while, perhaps during your quiet, meditative moments, you wonder just how your old friends, old enemies and old-whatevers are faring. Your thoughts come rushing down memory lane faster than you can say “Whoah!” You wonder what they are now, where they are, if they are already blissfully married or still happy in Spinsterville. Have they remained or become successful? Or is that person you so-despised in high school less successful than you are? (Evil thought, but c’mon, admit it.)

It all boils down to one question: How much have they changed, if there have been significant changes at all? Change, after all, is constant. Cliché but true, ask our now-ancient textbooks. From the very first day of our high school lives to that special last day of our whole high school experience, there’s no escaping change.

It’s like when people leave. They leave us or eventually, we leave them. And then they surprise us by becoming that hot model in the states, or that top executive in some top company, or that person who’s far from the success we always thought s/he’d be. Sometimes, they surprise us by going ahead to make it first to heaven.

So you take a pause to wonder how Fate deals its cards and where you figure in all of it. Is this it already? Are you still on your way to wherever you’re supposed to be heading? Have you progressed as much as you should have? Eventually, we find that despite all these changes brought on by distance and experience, we haven’t really grown up after all.

We still don’t know the answer to many of life’s questions. We still feel lost most times in this universe. We are, in other words, still God’s little children.

And so, inevitably, once in a while, we still rattle cages, making noises and trying to see what happens. When you think about it, it’s not so bad after all. It’s what we’re supposed to do. It’s called living. We grow old, grow up, and continue living.

Hopefully, we’ll forever rattle cages, make noises, and bring the house down. That’s what life’s about 🙂