Woe is Me

So it’s Good Friday. Time to reflect on our lives, as is believed. And I’ve been doing that a lot, and I’m not particularly happy.

I’m not anywhere near the best person I want to be. Of course, I could try, but I don’t really need to hear any sugar-coating right now from anyone. I don’t want to hide the ugly — that would be like lying to myself. It’s not going to change anything for the better.

Let me just babble on. Because I don’t know what to talk about right now except to grumble. I have been so busy these past weeks, the stress has been enormous. It’s stress coming from everywhere! Really quite frustrating because I have much stuff I want to work on, like blog or do videos or have time to study and pass specific tests. Always, always, always, something comes up.

And then there are relationships that need mending and yet I wouldn’t really know how even if I could change the past. There are relationships that have been strained long before I was born. How can I change those when there is a lifetime of history of bad blood among kins? Generations of us. I have tried and things just blew up on my face. I tried to get close, I was betrayed. I tried to isolate myself. They still come back with intentions which sincerity I’m not really sure of. History keeps repeating itself.

Yes, limbo is real. We’re all living it.

I am living my biggest, very personal limbo. It comes in the form of a person I am supposed to understand but can’t, because the person just won’t listen and change what needs changing. This limbo has brought out the worst in me — the things I didn’t know I could be capable of — and it manifests quite noticeably through my words and actions. It’s a combination of anger, frustration and desperation —  not exactly a nice cocktail. I could give the “I’m just human” line as an excuse. But that’s exactly what I hate! I hate the human side of this! There may come a time that both of us won’t be able to forgive me.

Of all the great challenges I have encountered in my life, this seems to be the greatest. I have to admit I have no clue of what really needs to be done. What frustrates me is it is inherent in me to keep trying, so I do keep trying. It makes me mad that I can’t just quit! The thing is, maybe that’s what’s needed to be done. Maybe I need to just let go and accept I cannot defeat this…

Talk about doing reflections! Well, Easter Sunday is near. So maybe I’ll have a clearer head by then.

 

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8 thoughts on “Woe is Me

  1. It sounds like a challenging and frustrating time you are going through. When you can’t control something and it’s making you upset and you don’t know what to do, it is not a nice feeling at all. In general people are hard to understand even if they are family, and for some of us it’s even harder if we aren’t close with our family geographically and in terms of relationships. I guess sometimes we just want to help and want everyone to be okay. There is only so much we can do – and it really is up to the people around us to live their lives. Maybe take things slow and hope things will get better. Best wishes.

    Liked by 2 people

        • I HOPE they will get better. I’m not sure taking it slow is the answer because this has gone on for far too long. I HAVE to try to effect change because (1) I care, and (2) it’s my duty — to make that person realize his/her mistakes before it’s too late.

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Just want to say I hear you loud and clear. I have a lot of respect for you and you will always have a special place in my heart. We all have issues. We just do the best we can with what we have and with who we are. What I really want you to know is that I’m there for you if you need to talk it out (chat it tout lol!!) . Don’t be so hard on yourself. It hurts me when you so. I care for you. I would be flattered if you need a sympathic hear, I will take all the time you need. I will be praying and thinking of you and sending you some good vibrations!! When I’m down I listen to some reggae music. It always puts me in a better mood. Spend some time with people you love and who love you back. treat yourself with a good meal. Count your blessings. When I focus on the good stuff, the bad stuff just becomes more bearable and I feel more able to face it with a new approach. And if it keeps on coming back, I ask someone I love who died and that I know are my gardian angels to think of my problems for me while I take a rest. I ask him, her or them (gardian angels) to think of a solution for me because I am tired and I need a good night sleep. Very often I wake up with a solution and I usually fel very rested in the morning. I hope I,mnot sugar coating anything. I’m just telling you what I do in those situations but more importantly that you are loved, and I’m sure its not just me… You are such a good person with a heart of gold…
    Huge HUGZ form Montreal my very dear GI!!

    Liked by 2 people

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