Woe is Me

So it’s Good Friday. Time to reflect on our lives, as is believed. And I’ve been doing that a lot, and I’m not particularly happy.

I’m not anywhere near the best person I want to be. Of course, I could try, but I don’t really need to hear any sugar-coating right now from anyone. I don’t want to hide the ugly — that would be like lying to myself. It’s not going to change anything for the better.

Let me just babble on. Because I don’t know what to talk about right now except to grumble. I have been so busy these past weeks, the stress has been enormous. It’s stress coming from everywhere! Really quite frustrating because I have much stuff I want to work on, like blog or do videos or have time to study and pass specific tests. Always, always, always, something comes up.

And then there are relationships that need mending and yet I wouldn’t really know how even if I could change the past. There are relationships that have been strained long before I was born. How can I change those when there is a lifetime of history of bad blood among kins? Generations of us. I have tried and things just blew up on my face. I tried to get close, I was betrayed. I tried to isolate myself. They still come back with intentions which sincerity I’m not really sure of. History keeps repeating itself.

Yes, limbo is real. We’re all living it.

I am living my biggest, very personal limbo. It comes in the form of a person I am supposed to understand but can’t, because the person just won’t listen and change what needs changing. This limbo has brought out the worst in me — the things I didn’t know I could be capable of — and it manifests quite noticeably through my words and actions. It’s a combination of anger, frustration and desperation —  not exactly a nice cocktail. I could give the “I’m just human” line as an excuse. But that’s exactly what I hate! I hate the human side of this! There may come a time that both of us won’t be able to forgive me.

Of all the great challenges I have encountered in my life, this seems to be the greatest. I have to admit I have no clue of what really needs to be done. What frustrates me is it is inherent in me to keep trying, so I do keep trying. It makes me mad that I can’t just quit! The thing is, maybe that’s what’s needed to be done. Maybe I need to just let go and accept I cannot defeat this…

Talk about doing reflections! Well, Easter Sunday is near. So maybe I’ll have a clearer head by then.