I do have to say that the emotional and mental fatigue, if not the physical, can sometimes take its toll. I also have to say that the same things often keep me from writing. I can go on and on about my problems or how this or that person has been mean to me or my family, but this is not what my blog is about. I want to let go of the anger and the angsts, yes, but not dwell on them more.
Writing is great therapy for loneliness, etcetera, yet I have realized that when it comes to anger, it just does not work for me personally. I get to express, but I never get to forgive, much less forget, so I just ignore the urge to do it. Anger does not help me in my self-cultivation. It’s what’s been keeping me from becoming more of a better me.
So please understand why I can go on week after week not posting a simple hello. I can’t, for various reasons – lack of time, lack of resources, sometimes plain lack of energy and urge.
What I have been saying in the last posts, that I am somewhat under medication, is true. It’s really not something bad: I AM PREGNANT. Yay!!!! Yeah, blessing right? Of course, it is.
But though it’s not bad, it’s still serious as I have been taking meds for months now to make sure the baby develops, that there would be a heartbeat. I have age and my recent history of miscarriage against me. Thankfully, it’s been growing these last months, almost four months in January, and does have a heartbeat. I don’t want to fail at this again…
It sounds easy enough, but sometimes we run out of resources, and there are other factors, that it has been a kind of mental and emotional torture for me considering we’re still in the crucial first trimester. These…things have made me more stressed out and irritable to the point that it is hard for me to contain what I feel.
It has come to a point that other people have come to judge me and say I am making life hell for my family. Do you know how it feels like to go through something like this and be judged by the very people who have watched me grow and should have known that I may not be the nicest person, but I would never make life hell for my family? I may not be the nicest, but didn’t they see the sacrifices I made three years ago to save my family? I tried to lessen the physical hell my parents were experiencing within themselves the best way I could even if I was not sure of the outcome. It hurts so freakin’ bad that they would say this about me especially when I know they could tell other people and I wouldn’t have the chance to defend myself…But okay, you know, you gotta ignore no matter how hard.
But anyway, I said I don’t like writing about anger and angsts and yet, here I am. Today is Christmas, it’s the season to self-reflect and, hopefully, be kind to everyone. I will not lie and say I’m being kind, but I am still trying and praying that God forgives me for I am still a hard work in progress. There’s the New Year ahead and like I always say, there is nothing wrong with resolutions, so I’ll try to work on my list :)
Anyway. thank you all, for your friendship, online or not, and you will all be in my prayers tonight, that’s for sure.
So let me just greet you a…
I pray that you all enjoy this season and strive for the “merry” in Merry Christmas :D
And because I have not posted for the #AtoZChallenge again, please let this be my “S” post for the challenge, “S” for “season”. Just give this to me, please…? ;)